Here is our unwritten policy on sexual harassment. Please do not do anything that will interfere with our three hour lunch breaks, or cause us to have to actually work instead of pontificate for a living. Remember, we only enforce our real, written policy when our backs are up against the wall or the whiny Puritan types are on the warpath.

Sexual harassment is only considered evil if the attention comes from a person who is considered too fat, poor, stupid, old or ugly for the object of the attention to be turned on. If the person supplying the attention is gorgeous, and/or wealthy, then all such behavior is welcomed and even encouraged. Sexual harassment includes 95% of all e-mails and other communication sent back and forth by adults over the internet on their employer's time by individuals who damn well know they should be working instead of reading, typing e-mail, and surfing the web. If the conduct interferes with an employee's job performance, the employee will not complain unless his or her supervisor is about to find out what a slacking, incompetent idiot the employee really is. Employees will also file charges if the partner-in-harassment decides to end the liasons out of boredom or fear of being caught by their mate. Sexual harassment is also considered an abomination if the harasser ends the shenanigans because she or he has found another pervert they would rather fool around with.

Other examples of our unwritten rules on sexual harassment include:

• Practicing indecent exposure, unless this is a part of some little sicko game that you like to play with your boss, co-workers, or subordinates
• Promising an employee a reward, if the employee complies with a sexual proposition. If the reward is granted, then there is no real problem. If the reward is withheld then the employee will contact Johnny Cochran as soon as possible.
• Ignoring real, bonafide complaints of sexual misconduct made by employees--particularly female employees who are REALLY being abused-- and instead focussing on frivilous ones that are filed in the name of vengance, yet make more entertaining gossip in the lunchroom or by the water-cooler. Also, if the harasser is a close friend or a drinking buddy, then he or she must be protected at all costs unless he or she blatantly rapes or assaults someone
• Ignoring real, bonafide complaints made by male employees, period. All men are assumed to welcome sexual advances from females. Should the harassment be male-on-male we will make some superficial gesture to cover our own buttocks, then close the door and laugh until we have trouble breathing. Should the harassment be female-on-female, all male supervisors who get a kick out of woman-to-woman liasons will be made aware of the situation so that they can get their thrills vicariously
• Assuming that any rank-and-file male worker who is accused of sexual harassment is automatically guilty, even if the accuser has thrown herself at him on countless occassions. Any supervisory or executive male employee who stands accused will be presumed innocent, particularly if he is handsome, charming, well-off and is a snazzy dresser
• Threatening to harm an employee in some way, if the employee refuses to comply with a sexual request. However, if the supervisor is considered sexy by the employee, and this is part of their little sado-masochistic game, then all is forgiven until someone's husband or wife finds out their mate has been screwing around with the boss
• Coming to work looking like a male stripper or a hooker, then complaining if someone with a pulse shows the least bit of sexual interest or a manager with a sense of decency sends you home for the day
• Lying and denying, directly or indirectly that a sexual proposition or event took place. Consider the language of President Bill Clinton when asked about former intern Monica Lewinsky: "I did NOT HAVE sexual relations with THAT WOMAN" or the line most men use when caught cheating: "But baby, I don't LOVE her, I love YOU!"
• Finally getting around to disciplining a perverted employee when the victim's legal team is breathing down your neck about the countless number of times you have ignored what the pervert on your payroll has been doing in the past
• Redefining what is considered sexual activity so that you will not lose your high-paying position or get raked over the coals by your now humiliated spouse in divorce court (see the Bill Clinton example above)
• Making sexual or romantic advances toward an employee whom you know is too good for you, or at least thinks that he or she is. Remember, these advances can only be made by the young and beautiful or by those who are of a compatible sexual orientation, or those who are filthy rich
• Engaging in sexually suggestive physical contact or touching another employee in a way that would get you divorced should your husband or wife find out, yet is actively encouraged if no one else is looking or your mate never knows about it
• Getting caught storing, sending or displaying or sexually oriented material by your boss's boss. Sending this material on the down-low however is encouraged and if your supervisor is sent a blind or anonymous copy, s/he may act outraged but will forward it along to his or her cronies once all of the commotion blows over

Employees are allowed to harass one another only as long as no one complains and the company is still making a huge profit. Should such activity eventually cause a stink, then the employer will do anything and everything to cover it's own rear end so that it will not have to deal with death threats from wacko activists or pay out an insane amount of money to lawyers who may either be bonafide legal heros or greedy opportunists out to make a quick buck. We really do not care about right and wrong, we only care about how much it will cost us financially.

Sincerely yours,

Upper echelon,

YourJob, Inc.