Dumb Answers to the Five Questions

(Now I know why I had so few dates)

These are the top 5 questions women ask you in a relationship:

1. What are you thinking about ?
2. Do you love me ?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me ?
5. What would you do if I died ?

Question # 1 : What are you thinking about ?

In my late teens, I once made the stupid mistake of saying "my old girlfriend", as in how much happier I was with the new girl. Needless to say, I got hit for saying that one. Another bad response was "my music" too which I heard "you love that horn more than me!" to which I responded "but you can't f*ck a trombone". I got choked for that one. At least I learned that the escape I had learned for the front choke even works from the prone position.

Question # 2 : Do you love me ?

Never say things like "yeah, I guess so" or "I thought we was just f*ckin'". I've been swung on for those responses as well back in the day. Also, don't say, "What the hell you talkin' 'bout, you da one with a man, ain't you? Shih, do you love ME!" You also can't say "I like you a lot, but I don't know about love yet, I mean hey, we only been seeing each other a month" if she's already had sex with you. In addition, you can't write her a note and tell her you love her even if she loves you if she has or is living with someone and he finds out about it. Unless you are bigger than he is. But if his boys are on the football team then you must lie your ass off when two of the offensive linemen corner you and say "Hey, is you doing my boy's girl??"

Question # 3 : Do I look fat ?

Another stupid response is "You al'ight. Besides, don't nobody want no twiggy bitch" or "but if you was skinnier then your titties wouldn't be as big!". Or even better "You al'right, just don't get TOO big now." Never ever predict the future either: "Ain't your mother big? So you know you gonna big in the future anyway, right? But we'll both be old then, so who cares???"

Attempts at trying to appear afrocentric don't work; "I am not brainwashed by eurocentric standards, so I don't care if you are a little too hippy". You also can't say "Don't feel bad, you ain't as big as your mother is."

It's a good thing my training gave me quick reflexes.

Question # 4 : Do you think she's prettier than me ?

You are supposed to say "No!" But I didn't know that when I was younger.

Stupid responses include:

• "Come ON! She used to be a model!"
• "You smell better than she does"
• "You're definitely SMARTER than she is"
• "You're better in bed, anyway"
• "I never cared much for real pretty women"
• "But God damn, she's a lot younger than you are, ain't she???"
• "I never really looked. Where is she? Damn, she's phat!"
• "Girl, you know you are definitely more beautiful on the INSIDE."

Question # 5 : What would you do if I died ?

Don't say "I'd get into my music real deep so I wouldn't think about you" or "I guess I'd have to move on. I mean shit, you would be DEAD wouldn't you????" Or the classic dumb ass line uttered by yours truly as a single man "That would depend on how old I was when you croaked."

Eventually, you learn. I admit, it took me LONG time!

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