Make Your Own Hate Page!

My Qualifications (really I have none, but:)

Those of you who know me know that I have a mental makeup that is spawned from my southern roots, youth, eccentricity, Afro-centric readings, readings of opposing viewpoints, interests in the arts be they musical, literary or martial, and a boat load of friends and aquaintances over the years from every race, creed, nation and orientation on earth. My mind is as broad as it comes.

Having searched the net for a couple of years now in my quest to learn more about the world and people in it, I have come across numerous hate pages. The funny thing is that if you were to take out a few identifying details, the rhetoric would basically be the same. Therefore, I have taken the liberty to put together a guide for you would-be revolutionaries out there to create your own hate page so that you can tell the world about your perceived enemy.

Step One: Choose an entire group of people to bash that you know little or nothing about.

This should be relatively easy. For instance, if you were a geek in high school who couldn't get a date to save your life, then pick women. If you are a woman who hates all males because of some kid who hit you with an eraser in the sixth grade because he found out you had a crush on him, pick men. If you are a paranoid anglo who doesn't want to associate with any swarthy people, pick anybody darker than Connie Chung. If you are a ghetto black person who is loud and has never seen the world outside of your own neighborhood, pick anybody lighter than Connie Chung. Basically, the people you hate should be readily identifiable as some one a thinking person would be able to tell that you know nothing about.

Here is a sample hate guide for your convenience. Feel free to improvise:

1) Rich vs. poor

2) Old vs. young

3) Dark people vs. lighter skinned people

4) Fat people vs. skinny people

5) Male vs. female

6) Straight vs. gay

7) Smart people vs. ignorant people

8) Dogs vs. cats

9) Tastes great vs. Less filling

Actually, I agree with Number 7, but too many people see me as part of the latter instead of the former, so I can't generate a group of followers right now. Unless you feel like giving me your soul. Do you? If not, a check will do just fine.

Step Two: Claim that the whole entire world is against you and your fellow oppressees, whom in reality you care nothing about

Everybody knows that the poor and minorities and women and gays are under attack. But what most people don't know is that most of these people who put out their hate pages care nothing about their comrades in oppression, they are only out for a buck. In fact, they don't care about anybody in the world but themselves.

These days, even a middle aged, middle class, middle american white guy can feel oppressed. Or, he can be a greedy bastard and make money off of his neighbors by saying that someone "different" took his job, when in reality, he quit it in order to take a better paying one someplace else. But as long as he looks broke on the outside, no one is going to know the difference. Even if the truth is that it was really another middle american white guy like himself who got his old job, as long as a skeptical recruit can verify the personel change, he will believe that his messiah was done wrong, and will say that the offending company is merely covering up for The System if the company says the decision was not harmful to anyone in any way.

Once you make your money off of your hate page and new weirdo cult, you can fake your death or leave your organization and move to a neighborhood where they won't allow your oppressed brothers and sisters in without a police escort. If that doesn't work, claim to have found religion and tell everyone that God has saved you from the sins of your past. This will work well with you former converts, as they will tell the world that you have fallen victim to The Enemy (the same enemy you created in Step 1), have lost control of your free-will and are not the blame for your plight. They will even burn candles (or crosses, depending), beat drums, and ask their god for your return.

Step Three: Play on the irrational fears of others

Make people feel like there is a threat to their home, job, or family, ESPECIALLY if this is not the case. For instance, if one person who is "different" moves into your neighborhood, make everyone else think that this is the part of some mass conspiracy of "those people taking over". This works especially well in the case of people who are fleeing from war-torn countries or economically ravaged communities, because they may be too tired from malnutrition and fighting for their lives to offer up much resistence. As long as you can convince your ignorant followers that only they deserve to have food, clothing, and shelter, you are on your way to stepping on the hopes and dreams of countless people in this country and around the world!

Step Four: Re-write history to suit your cause, leaving out details that hurt your viewpoint

Most students of history know that the victor is the one who makes up what is in the history book. But rather than try to give people a complete picture of what happened in a particular incident or with a historical figure, you must omit the details that could hurt your cause.

For instance, Greek Philosophy, considered by many people to be "white" was based on African "black" beliefs. Hey, that's good to bring out. And in particular, I have found out that Socractes was in fact, black. However, how many people know that Socrates believed in the molestation of young boys. Bet you didn't know that, my brothers and sisters, did you? Nope, and your kufi-wearing professors will not tell black students that either, because they are afraid that many of them will have the same response I did: "Nah, that's alright man, we don't need to tell nobody some child molester was black folks. It's all good, man. Hey, they can HAVE Socrates."

Here are some other doozies you can leave off your hate page:

• If you are a pro-white male whose group worships Edgar Allen Poe, don't tell anyone he married a 14 year old girl when he was WELL over 15
• If you are a white supremacist, don't tell anyone that Adolf Hitler did more heroin and cocaine than the crackheads that inspired the urban movie "New Jack City"
• If you feel that rap icons are unfairly attacked, don't tell anyone that Dr. Dre smacked female reporter Dee Barnes
• If you are pro-black and want to use Kwanzaa to further your gimmick, instead of using it to help people and bring us together, don't tell anyone any of the misogynistic stories I have heard about Dr. Maulana Karenga

I could go on, but I think you get my point by now.

Step five: Claim that your group invented everything, and that your enemy invented nothing

This is a bit like Step 4, except that you must claim that your group invented everything from the wheel, to air, to water, while you enemy did NOTHING.

Now I know that Africa is the birthplace of the world, but as humanity has moved on, we find that EVERY group of people has done something remarkable for the world. However, if you were to read a white supremacist webpage, you'd think that only "they" could rub two sticks together while everyone else was living like "savages". Yeah, right. And I guess that wasn't gunpowder that Marco Polo brought back from china. No one group has the monopoly on anything.

But hey, talk like that is not going to get your webpage any clicks. So, what you have to do, is make some assertions, however outlandish, that with enough bad research, you can validate. But here is the kicker; you must throw in enough TRUE stuff so that if one fact can be validated, the lazy scholar will assume that all the others are true and will gladly hand over his or her checkbook.

Here is an example of typical hate page logic. Let's say I am Pro-Japanese, and I want to trick my Japanese brothers into hating the rest of the world so that I can get all their Japanese yen in my pocket (my apologies to the Japanise in advance, I have nothing against you all. Really. I need someone new to pick on is all). So I tell my group of J.A.O. (Japanese Against Oppression) Resistance Fighters that the Japanese invented Sumo Wrestling. Which is true. Then, I say that the Japanese invented ALL wrestling. Then I say that we (I'm still Japanese here) invented all body contact. In fact, we invented sex as well. There was no one else having sex before the Japanese did. So therefore, we were the first people in the world. The Japanese had to have sex in order to populate the planet. The oldest bones in the world were really found in Japan, but Our Great Sumo Warriors destroyed them by crushing them on the heads of our enemies. Sumo wrestlers would sometimes eat soup after these battles. Speaking of wish, the Sumos invented soup. In fact, they invented all cooking. So the "soul food" that the blacks think they made really belongs to us Japanese. Hey! A new enemy! Soul Food is a conspiracy against the Free-Thinking Japanese Warriors! Down With Fat Back! You can now go protest outside of your nearest Popeye's fast food joint and ignore the people who stare at you and wonder what in the hell is your problem.

Step 6: Come up with a cool sounding Sci-Fi/Religious Hybrid origin for your oppressed group and/or for your enemy

From the Nation of Islam's insane "Yacub" theory on the origin of the white race, to the Nazi's belief in supermen from outer space, to the belief by various other groups that humans were created by aliens, our world is full of pseudo-religious space creation stories. The key is if you are using the sci-fi/religious origin for your group, then you must say the space-dna makes you superior, and if you are using it against your enemy, you must say it makes them inferior. It's all a case of Good-Aliens/Bad-Aliens. Remember, the more outlandish the belief system, the better.

Let's say I am a woman (well, I have at least been refered to by the "b" word in any case, and hey, I cry at funerals), and I want to totally ignore the male-female occurances in most of the other vertebrates in nature, so that I can demonize men and make people think that WO-MAN--from some obscure that the average person cannot verify, with "WO" meaning "above" and "MAN" meaning "dogs"--is superior to men. I can say that many, hundreds of mega-thousands of years ago, there were only men. When there were only men, the world was full of smelly socks, beer, and sports games. Nothing ever got done, and the men asked God for help. So God, in HER divine wisdom, sent a flying saucer out to some distant planet that already had some Women on it, and asked them to do something for men. So, the Space Women came to Earth and mated with the men, to produce Super Women and Demon Men. Unfortunately, the Demon Men resented the Super Women, and made a deal with Satan. In exchange for their souls, they agreed to let Satan give them the power over all Super Women. And that is the reason why males rule the earth. However, one comfort that all Women can have is that no matter what we do, we will go to heaven, while all men, no matter how nice they are or how much they emote, have a one-way ticket to Hell's firery dungeon when they die.

If your origin could be run as an episode of "Tales From The Crypt" or could be an independent movie on The Sci-Fi Channel, then you know you have gotten it right.

Step Seven: Find some losers to post stuff to your website, or create fictitious testimonials so that the gullible will hear you

All you need is one person to buy your nonsense, and your hate page can serve as an internet bible while your organization grows by leaps and bounds. This can be done by either pretending to have more people than you really do, or by getting a dim-witted but charismatic person to follow you, and let him or her be the fall guy when things go south.

If you chose to create your own testimonials, by all means, use a different name each time you sign your guestbook. Since anyone and their mamma can get a hotmail account, it's a good idea to go there and create user accounts that you can then use to send to yourself. Once you receive your own e-mail, use it to cut and paste somewhere on your site so that idiots will think that someone else is taking you seriously. Here is an example:

From: "Iamwhun Compleetfewl"

To: creativebrother@yahoo.com

Subject: I Will Follow You In Hate

Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2000 20:25:34 GMT

Hey Creative Brother! Thank you, you great, wonderful prophet! You are the one who has given me the means to deliver My People from the oppression of those people. You know who they are! Yeah, that really BAD,BAD, EVIL bunch! And as a gift, the Great God Who Exists In My Image has commanded me to send you a check for a whole lot of money. Do I make it out to Creative Brother, or will Wise Man From Heaven be sufficient?

In any case, enjoy being rich. You can have my entire life savings. As long as you help me rid the world of The Enemy, you will give me all the riches I need. Gotta go now, they are here to repossess my computer. But who needs it! You have helped me get my webpage up, and that is ALL the technology we need!

Thanks again,

Losers Against Those People

If you choose to recruit a weak-minded charismat, then don't feel bad. That's probably the best way to go, in order for you to protect your own neck. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to be anywone who was responsible for the intellectual development of Adolf Hitler right about now, would you?

Conclusion

With these seven simple steps, you can go from being a delusional, self-centered, fearful moron with a God Complex, to a rich, delusional, self-centered, fearful, popular moron with a God Complex. Just be sure to cut me a check so that I can benefit from your stupidity and the stupidity of anyone who is dumb enough to follow you.