You didn't notice the grammatical error in the title of this writing
Your uniform has barbecue or hot sauce stains on it
You make sure you get a fresh cut so that you look sharp before taking
your exam
Your ground fighting training begins with what approach you can use "in case some niggas
try to stomp you"
You have ever referred to a student as "you know him, that light-skinned
brother"
You think that the Gracies and other grapplers look "a little too sweet" when they
go into the ring with no shirt on and only wear a pair of wrestler's trunks
Even though you train in a sport style, Brazilian Jujitsu fighters are afraid to take
you on in a real fight
You stopped watching the "StreetFighter II: the Animated Series" cartoons because you
are worried that Ken and Ryu (the lead characters) might be gay
You have been shaving your head for years to get that Buddha bald look, yet
now that your head may be going bald on its own, you are worried about losing
your hair
You learned your gung fu from your "bruh-vah"
You have ever worn an "Each One Teach One" T-shirt under your uniform
You pay for your classes by money order or postal money order even though you
know damn well you can afford a checking account
The only guy in your class that has blond hair is BLACK
You ARE the black guy in your class that has blond hair
You have ever referred to a student as "that white girl, you know"
You and your mother have ever fought side by side, you kicking and her swinging a club
at "a nigga's head"
You let a student enroll in your class because "her momma is phat"
You are a martial artist who knows what PHAT means without me explaining it to you
The Korean students in your dojang speak Ebonics as a first language and the Korean
tongue as a second language
The Uechi-Ryu, Gojo Ryu, or other conditioning drills done in different styles do not
instill as much fear in you as being spanked by "The Belt" or an extension cord
when you were a child
Despite his many brilliant performances as an actor, you only became a fan of Westley
Snipes after you found out he is a martial artist
You have ever kicked a traditional martial artist while he is down
You teach your students to kick people while they are down
The first wooden weapon you had to dodge was "The Switch" you had to pick for your
grandmother or grandfather
One of your siblings signed up for the martial arts classes, while the rest of you learned
your techniques from beating up on him
The only girl in your class that has blue eyes (via contacts) is BLACK
You think Yoga is for "beeiiaatches"
Your man has told you he's seen you in all of posts that have been presented on this
topic, and yet you STILL don't think that you're a ghetto martial artist
Your gym partner that is helping you get in better shape for tournaments learned his
or HER weighlifting techniques in prison
Your best five finger grappling technique is the one you use to grab a forty bottle
while you "take it to the head"
Even though you take Yoga on the side you don't tell many other practitioners because
you don't want them to think that you are a "beeiiaatch"
Your first exposure to the martial arts was watching the Dolemite movie "Petey Wheatstraw"
You have ever trained in a dojo that is near a shop that sells barbecue or pigsfeet
You have ever knocked out a traditional martial artist with a lead pipe
Even if you fight a homosexual who is 7 feet tall, 300 pounds, a FIFTH degree black
belt with over twenty years fighting experience who could bench press over 400 pounds, your
machismo and homophobia would make you feel bad about being beaten0 up by a "sissy" despite the
fact that you are YEARS away from getting a FIRST degree black belt, can barely do
twenty push ups, and weigh a dollar and some change soaking wet
You feel a little bogged down and stuffed during a workout because you ate some "Tayta
Salad" (potato salad) before coming to class
You have ever developed a hand strike based on watching two chickens fight each other
A white student in your organization has an afro that is thicker than one most black
guys could ever hope to grow in their lifetime
You wonder if a student who hasn't come to class in a while "got locked up"
You hang out with your boys in the parking lot after class
You keep a "nigga beater" under the front seat of your car in case somebody "starts
trippin'"
You miss working out with a female student that hasn't come to class in a while, not because
she is a skilled practitioner, but because she is PHAT
You take Taebo not for the cardio or martial workout, but so you can "crack on" one of
the honeys in the class
The white and asian students in your school hang out in the ghetto more often than the black
students do
You have ever rented any karate flicks from the Shaolin-Dolemite Collection Series
You own all of the movies in the Wutang Collection
The only two-finger technique you are really proficient at is the one you use to hold
a joint
Your baby mama has called you at the dojo
Your baby mama has called you at the dojo and your teacher told you the following "That
BETTER be your baby's mamma calling here. Boy, don't you be runnin' 'round on her and have
no other girls callin' on my phone, you hear me???"
You know how to use a hardback book, paper back book, or a thin stack of paper as a
weapon
You can perform classical techniques while fighting a crossdresser on the Jerry Springer show
You critique the ground fighting that takes place on the Jerry Springer Show
You have ever sparred anyone who has fingerwaves in HIS hair
You have ever heard the following: "Boy, if you ever try that karate stuff on me I'll cut
yah!!!"
You have ever worn dark shades with your uniform
The person who told you "Boy, if you ever try that karate stuff on me I'll cut yah!!!" was
your Grandmother
You refer to the bad or hyper-active children in your organization as "Bebe's Kids"
The foundation of your Chinna (joint locking) technique is built on the childhood game
called "Mercy" (where you interlocked fingers and tried to see via pain who could make the other
person say "mercy" first)
You know what "Mercy" is without me having to explaining it to you
You have ever had someone else hold your child or purse while you beat up another woman
You have ever had someone else hold your child or purse while you beat up a man
You are a woman who has beat up someone while your purse was on your shoulder and you didn't
break a nail or have a hair out of place
The first person to show you Asian martial techniques had an afro, S-curl, or jeri-curl
You have ever hit a traditional martial artist over the head with a phone book
Instead of using your martial skills to end the conflict, you stood by and LAUGHED while
watching a woman beat up someone while her purse was on your shoulder, she didn't
break a nail or get a hair out of place
The woman who beat up someone while her purse was on your shoulder, who didn't
break a nail or get a hair out of place was your MOTHER
You can't remember the words to your school's or style's oath, yet you can quote lines from
the "Five Deadly Venoms" with no problem
You wear steel toe boots so that you can use your kicking techniques in a streetfight
Instead of worrying about knife defenses, the first bladed weapon you thought about
countering in self defense was a straight razor
You don't allow your student's parents to yell or curse during competitions; you, however,
may yell and curse at tournaments until your heart's content
You have ever cut a traditional martial artist with a straight razor
You have ever kicked a streetfighter while he was down
Your woman has told you she's seen you in all of posts that have been presented on this
topic, and yet you STILL don't think that you're a ghetto martial artist
REMEMBER FOLKS: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE BLACK TO BE A GHETTO MARTIAL ARTIST
